The Times 20230909 Magazine.pdf

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Fashion Special
151
BEST BUYS
09.09.23
How Carol Vorderman
got political (and there’s
no stopping her)
By Deborah Ross
TRINNY WOODALL
On sex and shopping
GILES COREN
On his middle-age spread
BERNIE TAUPIN
On a
50-year
bromance with Elton John
09.09.23
24
16
5
Caitlin Moran
Like Florence Pugh, I want to free my nipples.
7
Ben Machell
To kiss or not to kiss: my guide for men.
10 Cover story
Carol Vorderman
Why the
Countdown
legend is taking the government to task for “corruption”.
16
Elton and
me
The songwriter Bernie Taupin on life as the rock legend’s right-hand man.
24
Trinny Woodall
How the TV presenter
reinvented herself as a make-up supremo and midlife guru. Interview by Hilary Rose.
28
Tom Kerridge
The chef and food
campaigner wants more support for his industry.
33
Eat!
Recipes from Tom Kerridge’s new book,
Pub Kitchen.
40
The reality
of dating in your fifties
What to expect when you re-enter the singles scene in midlife.
46
Rob Delaney
When the comedian
and
Catastrophe
star lost his two-year-old son, he became a voice for other bereaved parents.
53 Fashion special
The best
pearls and hoops, shoes, boots and bags.
60
Giles Coren reviews
Beckford Canteen, Bath.
66
Beta male: Robert Crampton
My
old leisure centre has moved with the times.
Melanie Reid is away
FAB FIVE: RED LIPSTICKS
COVER: DAN KENNEDY. COAT, RIVERISLAND.CO.UK. BOOTS, CASADEI.COM. BELT,
BLACK-BROWN.COM. EARRINGS, VICKISARGE.COM. RING, CRYSTALHAZE.COM.
CHAIR, ANTHROPOLOGIE.COM. THIS PAGE: DAN KENNEDY, GETTY IMAGES
MAC RETRO MATTE
IN RUBY WOO, £15
A supermatte, timeless
red (maccosmetics.co.uk)
GLOSSIER ULTRALIP
IN FÊTE, £18
Semi-sheer; easy soft
shine (uk.glossier.com)
ARMANI LIP POWER
IN 300, £24.50
Long-lasting satiny finish
(armanibeauty.co.uk)
LISA ELDRIDGE IN
VELVET RIBBON, £27
Feels light on the lips
(lisaeldridge.com)
NYX PROFESSIONAL
IN RED HAUTE, £ 8
As good as designer
(lookfantastic.co.uk)
EDITOR
NICOLA JEAL
DEPUTY EDITOR
LOUISE FRANCE
ART DIRECTOR
CHRIS HITCHCOCK
ASSOCIATE EDITOR
JANE MULKERRINS
ASSISTANT EDITOR
TONY TURNBULL
FEATURES EDITOR
MONIQUE RIVALLAND
CHIEF SUB-EDITOR
AMANDA LINFOOT
DEPUTY ART DIRECTOR
JO PLENT
DEPUTY CHIEF SUB-EDITOR
CHRIS RILEY
PICTURE EDITOR
ANNA BASSETT
DEPUTY PICTURE EDITOR
LUCY DALEY
CONTRIBUTING EDITOR
BRIDGET HARRISON
COMMISSIONING EDITOR
GEORGINA ROBERTS
The Times Magazine
3
CHOSEN BY NADINE BAGGOTT
CAITLIN MORAN
M
I want to free my nipples! We can show cleavage
or underboob but not the cherry on
top. Why?
admit – as a 48-year-old woman who has
never shown her nipples in public – I’m
floundering around trying to work out
just why. What is the logic? I honestly
can’t remember.
Is it that women’s nipples are for babies
and feeding, and that babies asked us not
to show them?
“I want you to keep something just for
me, Mum. Clamping my two razor-sharp
teeth into your milk ducts wouldn’t feel as
special if all the other babies knew what
they looked like.”
No. It’s obviously not that. But then,
it can’t be that they have to be concealed
because they’re an erogenous zone
either. All surveys suggest that far more
women find their necks (on constant
public display) or the dishwasher (as in,
your partner loading it correctly, then
putting it on) far more arousing than
the nipple, which, let’s face it, is often
so tender as to become “tetchy”, and apt
to provoke a hearty, “Oh no, good fellow!
Good day to you!” when tentatively poked
by a partner.
So if we’re not hiding them out of
respect for either our children or our
partners, then why are we, essentially,
popping a doily over our Wombles’ noses?
Because, as millions of weary feminists
have pointed out before, men’s nipples are
allowed to wander freely, hither and yon,
across our visual field. In hot weather,
topless male joggers often make it look
like a fire alarm went off in JD Sports and
300 male customers had to peg it out of
the changing rooms halfway through
trying on a new vest.
While on holiday this summer with
three male friends, I walked into the
kitchen on a hot day and was surprised
to find them all – middle-aged scions of
Fleet Street – topless and tits out, chowing
breakfast without a care in the world. And,
I admit, I felt a brief flash of peevishness
as, not an hour before, I had rebroken my
little toe once again during a panicked run
across the landing when one of them had
nearly discovered me braless while trying
to help a bee out of the window.
So… maybe I do want to free my
nipples. Or, at least, not keep hiding them
as if they’re the Ark of the Covenant, and
anyone looking upon them will suffer
Face Melt. At the end of the day, keeping
our nipples ABSOLUTELY SECRET
AT ALL TIMES is just another piece
of Shame Admin – and women already
have plenty of that.
n
The Times Magazine
5
y breasts are best
thought of as two achy,
tired mammals who
really want to remain
in the comfortable
nest I pop them into
every morning – an
M&S bra – before decanting them into
their night-time nest – an M&S crop top
– around 10pm.
Personally, I don’t want to free my
nipples. At all times of the day, “freedom”
would be wasted on them. They’ve served
their time: in Wonderbras; being hit by
flying tennis balls; being squished in
mammogram machines; feeling dizzy
during jogging; and enduring what
appeared to be an episode of
SAS: Who
Dares Wins
while breastfeeding two
babies. And now, they just want to rest.
To offer my nipples freedom would be
like opening the front door of the house
and telling an elderly labrador, “Run!
Canter! Go wild!” It would just look at you
and thump its tail obligingly, then remain
happily but resolutely on the doorstep.
However, last week Florence Pugh,
one of the finest actors this country has
produced, was named British Icon at the
Elle Style Awards in part for her ongoing,
cheerful campaign to “free the nipple”.
Having appeared at a fashion show last
year in a frankly ravishing cloud of hot-
pink diaphanous tulle from Valentino,
which both revealed her nipples and
triggered controversy, Pugh has a wry
and relaxed overview on the subsequent
hoo-ha’s her woo-wa’s have caused.
“It’s the freedom that people are scared
of,” she mused. “The fact I’m comfortable,
and happy. Unfortunately, we’ve become
so terrified of the human body that we
can’t even look at my two little cute
nipples behind fabric in a way that isn’t
sexual. We need to keep reminding
everybody that there is more than one
reason for women’s bodies to exist.”
And of course she’s right. We’re so
used to thinking of women’s nipples as
being SUPER-RUDE – not quite as rude
as “the pants area”, but a very close second
– that it takes someone as young, fresh-
eyed and bold as Pugh to remind us:
why are women’s nipples supposed to be
“secret”? Why can women show cleavage
or clavicle or underboob in public – the
surrounding areas of the nipple, or what
we might refer to as “the Bakewell tart”
– but not the cherry on top?
Now it’s up for debate, I have to
As weary feminists
have pointed out
before, men’s nipples
are allowed to
wander freely, hither
and yon, across
our visual field
ROBERT WILSON

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